We spend at least a month on the West Coast escaping winter weather in the Northeast, and helping our grandchildren who have two full time working parents. The challenge for me is to find a balance between feeling fulfilled, helpful, productive, creative and connected. Being here means that I see the grandkids and their parents every day, but I have no adult relationships outside the family. I am not in my home climate surrounded by my "stuff" either. The situation makes me aware of how relationship dependent I am. I wilt when I don't get a daily dose of connections. I once was told I needed to learn how to fill myself up, not depend on others for my well being. I'm ever curious about this. Does this mean that I have an addiction, that I need to disconnect myself in order to learn to be more self-sufficient?
Two of my oldest friends and artists go inward to their art when they feel vulnerable. Is this a strategy I could adopt? I have indeed tried this and in past years have had long term projects that kept me invigorated intellectually and creatively.
Another part of me thinks, What else is there besides relationships, caring for others, connecting?
Meanwhile, every day has some sparkle, some beauty, some awe. Spending time outside every day and hearing the birds, observing the surrounding exotic plant life, connecting even with strangers is rewarding.
I managed to create a new hat yesterday from scraps of cashmere and few baubles and beads. I finished knitting one mitten for a certain family member. Lydia Davis's short stories are brood-worthy before sleep.
Zach was home sick today and we played many a game of Parcheesi, Crazy Eights, and Mancala.
The best I can do at this point is continue to live into the question, over and over, trying to figure out this one lifetime I have to serve others and to fulfill myself.
